End of the year

The end of the year is a time for many to reflect on the past year. Even though I like to consider myself as a rebel sometimes, I shall not make an exeption to the rule here, but instead reminisce about the past year…

Plans that didn’t happen

I wanted to make this year a Gretchen Rubin style happiness project. And I had a whole plan laid out for monthly goals. Nagging tasks, relationship, children, work, friends…

I had a good start to my journey, but pretty soon I learned something intresting about myself.

I can’t follow to do -lists! It was a surprise as I always took myself as someone who lives off ticking those boxes. But no.

It was all good, until I started failing on my goals and not ticking those boxes. It made me feel totally defeated and totally un-motivated to do anything.

I’ve never really been one for happy mediums.

It means that I sort of gave up on the whole plan as it seemed I couldn’t follow it anyway – instead of adjusting it somehow.

Perhaps this personality trait is one that I should work on next year!

Was it good for nothing then

Whether I followed any plan or not, the year has been such a rollercoaster ride, that I must’ve learned something!!

At least I’m not beating myself up for letting those plans go. That’s a lesson learned right there…

Which brings me to the twelve guidelines I had set up for my project.

I feel that even though I haven’t been following any kind of plan on my path to happiness, I actually have been following my guidelines.

  • So I didn’t follow my plan to make this a year of my happiness project. So what? No one is going to blame me for that, unless I do it my self; let it go!
  • I have been taking a lot of chances this year, things I wouldn’t have had the courage to do in the past. I think I have realized that here is now and tomorrow the chance might be gone.
  • This guideline I haven’t been excellent in following though. But I always knew it was going to be a hard one for me, because I am quite an impulsive and emotional person. So I still don’t have patience, at least not much.
  • If I have learned to let go, I think I have a little more mercy than before. This is especially in relation to myself. I’m actually quite forgiving towards other people – but I have very demanding standards for myself. So – more work on this coming up next year!
  • Just jumping has a great deal to do with the concept of being in the moment (“here is now”), a great many similarities with following your feelings and getting excited. This trio, I think, is the powerful driver behind many of my actions during the past year. As I have been getting in touch with my emotions more and more, I’ve had better opportunities in following that famous intuition. Sometimes I’ve almost left something undone, because I’ve been so damn scared. And sometimes I’m jumping all over the place in the excitement of finally being a bit more in touch with my inner self. And actually getting excited about things again. Like gitty kinda excited. It’s an amazing feeling.
  • One of the things I have learned most about is paying attention to the little things. So I’m happy to report that I now can see the trees instead of always just seeing the forest. And boy does that help bring a lot of happiness to my days! I take so much more pleasure nowadays from having a well made cup of coffee, a beautiful song, looking at the sunset or beautiful colors of the fall.
  • The hardest part about being kind is being kind towards myself. I find easily good things to say about almost anyone or anything else, but I still tend to talk down to myself. One goal for being kind, was to be kinder towards nature and animals too. I have switched my diet closer to being vegan, but I’m not exactly there yet. That’s a bit of a conundrum actually. Being kind to myself requires a bit of self-centeredness too. And I really hate cooking! Learning new things in the kitchen just does not make me happy. That’s why I’m still compromising on my diet. Because I just get super-frustrated when the food doesn’t get done easily enough.
  • Must love myself is one other hard guideline to follow. But I have started learning how to praise myself in job interviews at least. I still have a tendency to think people don’t like me very much, even if I would love them to bits. I don’t know why that is. Why should anyone spend time with me, if they hated me? If I have a bad day and, let’s say our kids are annoying the shit out of me, I blame myself for having those thoughts. As in “why am I not more grateful for having such a life. Why am I not happy as it is?” So you see, it is not easy, loving myself.
  • My favorite out of all the guidelines is this: Be an Optimist Prime. I do believe, that as I’ve gotten better with my other guidelines, I am closer to becoming this Optimist Prime. I’m pretty sure it doesn’t look like that on a lot of days, as it has not been the easiest of years. But more often that not, I seem to find the silverlining in things. I still have my fears and anxieties, but mostly I don’t let them stop me.

What the year has brought me, even without following the plan, has been pretty amazing actually.

I have made two friends, which I don’t believe would have happened without me growing as a person. Amazing times spent with old friends. Trust. Laughter and tears. Good music. Intresting conversations. Amazing tattoos. Opportunities at work. Courage to tell how I feel. Courage to voice my opinions. A sense of humor, that was lost for a long time. Mostly I just feel that I am back – the slightly crazy, and slightly awkward type, who is never lost for words.

On fears, shame and being you

Funny how I never planned feelings to be my thing for the month, but how it has become so. It seems my subconscious is pushing this theme on me, whether I choose to deal with it or not.

I think one of my biggest fears, and so also one of the biggest influences in my life for some years now, is my fear of being abandoned. It makes you do weird things. You do not tell your closest friend important news for fear of making them angry. You make your boyfriend suffer all kinds of shit, to test his love, before marriage. It makes you kick into complete survival mode instead of admitting you are weak – because you’re sure everyone will leave if you show them you can be hurt.

I have told before that I’m a big believer in the healing powers of friendship. But the fear of abandonment has sometimes hindered my ability to get to know people. I’ve left it mostly up to the others to somehow convince me, they actually like me. At the same time, what I really wanted to be doing, is screaming “you are amazing! It would be such a pleasure to spend time with you!” 

Then I bumped into someone. 

Who, for reasons I can’t explain very satisfyingly even myself, has made me drop my guard completely. 

It’s been scary, it’s been liberating, it’s been strangely empowering. This person has had such a strong positive influence on me, that I’ve been pushing myself in their presence perhaps a bit too strong even…

Which leads me to shame, and being me. 

I’m a party girl. So I went to celebrate a birthday. I drank, possibly few too many, glasses of bubbly. And in the heat of that moment, it felt like an excellent idea to start writing messages to this above mentioned person. Quite innocent ones, in my opinion, but I guess it led to some issues at his end. 

I’m hardly ever so drunk, I would do something completely out of ordinary. And I do stand behind every word I said. But because it had caused issues, I felt ashamed. I probably also felt ashamed because it hadn’t occured to me at all, that it could cause trouble. Mostly though, I think I was ashamed for letting my guard down. For opening a possibilty to get hurt.

Essentially, I realized, I was blaming myself for acting like me. 

Because of those feelings of shame, I re-evaluated, if perhaps I was also regretting sending those messages. Or for being so open about how big an impact he has had on me. 


But I can’t say that I am. I regret the needless worry I might have caused to a completely innocent person. But I regret nothing I said. It was all true. And none of it was meant as a means to hurt anyone.

Acting like myself throughout this whole experience has taught me another valuable lesson, which I’ve really waited to learn. 

That is; 

you really can not take responsibility for other people’s feelings or actions. You think you are saying “hello”, but their own history, fears, egos and what not, can affect the situation so that all they hear is: “fuck you”.  

Because behind every action, I have been truly me, I can let go of my shame. 

Living up to my guidelines

Today I was more nervous than I have been in a long while. I tried exercise, singing and even dancing, but the feeling wanted to stay with me. 

See, today I did something that I’m not sure I’ve ever done before. So I was definitely pushing my boundaries, and you know how our mind doesn’t like those boundaries pushed. 

I mentioned it briefly in a previous post, how I had followed my intuition in wanting to get to know a person better. I also mentioned, that plan didn’t go quite as I had hoped. Turns out though, it didn’t backfire either. 

I think today was an excellent proof that my happiness project and guidelines work for me. They are taylor made for me and my issues and I think I must have followed more than one of my guidelines today, or leading up to today’s event.

Anyone figuring out their own guidelines, can be as successful with theirs, as I have been with mine.

What I had planned turned eventually (suggested by this other person) into a sunny afternoon spent with excellent food, great people and family fun. 

Oh believe me, my ego is trying sooooo hard to make today’s experience less enjoyable for me – but that’s just cause my ego has serious trust issues. (Right now it’s telling me, that I will freak the people out we met today, if they happen to catch this post.) But I won’t let that stop me…

Because honestly, today, even the weather was on my side.

Life is too short to wake up

in the morning with regrets.

So, love the people who

treat you right and

forget about the ones who don’t.

And believe that everything 

happens for a reason…

If you get a chance – take it;

if it changes your life – let it.

Nobody said that it would be easy.

BUT

it would be worth it.

Paulo Coelho

Do I equal my depression?

There was an excellent piece of writing (in Finnish) in our main newspaper about how depression is percieved in the society. 

The article talks about how, if you are able to work, have friends or perhaps go for a jog, your depression is not believable.

Found on Pinterest

It’s pretty risky to think that all suffering from depression would act the same way. Even health care professionals seem to make this mistake a lot of times. 

But we all have different personalities, and we all have different lifestories.

Let’s talk about me for a moment here, cause that’s a subject I’m quite familiar with… 

Why I got depressed, when someone else in my situation might have survived without?

For eight months I was practically not sleeping, and eating such a low-calorie diet (breastfeeding diet because of Junior’s allergies), I must’ve been starving. But I was used to taking care of everyone else, before thinking about myself. We had two small kids to take care of.

I wasn’t really asking myself, how I was doing.

I am stubborn as hell, a control freak and an overachiever. It was so hard to admit I needed help. It was even harder admitting the depths of those dark holes that I had been down. 

I felt that I didn’t “deserve” to feel as bad as I did, cause I had all these beautiful things and people in my life. But the anger, the panic attacks, the despair and the apathy was there and I didn’t invite it. But it took an actual physical illness to eventually gain me access to therapy and medication. Because I wasn’t just laying in bed all day. Because I put my mascara on. Because I showered?

Even as I write this, I’m not entirely sure, if I will ever post this. 

In some ways I want to participate (if I can) in making depression less of a taboo.

In others, I’m afraid people will start judging everything I do (or even worse – they will start acting differently towards me) based on this somewhat minor detail about me. I say minor, because fundamentally I am who I have always been – in good and bad. 

But if you have never gone down this path, some things must be hard to understand… 

Like how, when I was in my darkest place, for a social worker to ask me to spend 15 minutes playing with our kid was like asking for the moon. 

Like how it is possible to spend a night out with friends acting all happy and “normal”, while being afraid of the next day. 

How it is totally possible to wash your hair and do your make-up, but still want to jump off a balcony so you wouldn’t have to listen to anymore demands from anyone, including yourself.

And how it is possible to come back from that dark place and become you again.

Or perhaps even a better version of you? My happiness project is not strictly speaking a means to cure me from depression. I do other stuff for that, as I’ve mentioned in earlier posts. The happiness project is more a tool to help me grow as a person.

So that I will be braver. So that if I fail in something, I will bounce back faster. So that my need for making people happy doesn’t eat me up. So that I can believe people can like me for who I am – even if I am a bit awkward, talk too much and have the weirdest sense of humor. And if I am not liked, that is ok too. So that I will not let my screaming ego stand in the way of doing things. 

(An example; right now my ego is shouting like a maniac: “how selfish to think anyone would want to read about your story! Why should anyone care! If you post this, you will ruin your life for sure!”)

And already concentrating on the little things has helped a lot. It’s never going to be pure sunshine 100% of the time – but that’s just life.

Even a simple “pulla” can make you happy for all the right reasons

My motto for years used to be “think negative and you shall not be disappointed.” In the future I want my motto to be more like:

“Think positive and good things are going to happen.”